it's ironic: they're unlikely to know why i feel such sorrow. whether it's the fact that i identify as russian or not--notwithstanding how complicated that identity is in my case--ukrainians may (rightly) see in me a kind of alien who can't begin to understand it.. any of it.

but despite all this, i feel as if they are my own. i hurt with them. i'm anxious...horrified.. unsettled. i understand the depth of russian hypocrisy, intimidation.. and how deeply that has affected their leadership. perhaps that's what worries me... what frightens me most.

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