i can't believe i'm finally here. wherever you are feels like home.

also, holy christ: i'm in the same city that ABBA is in.

i guess what happened is you left and i stopped sleeping altogether..

4 hours last night, i think; god knows why

perhaps the rather unique circumstances of our meeting are what make us act and feel like "newlyweds"--even six years on. perhaps we're still deeply aware of our luck...

Eurydice

one simply cannot find the words
RIP gabriel garcia marquez

therapy is poetry and a hot bath...

too frightened and uneasy to read the news..

this is just to write something. anything.

dear friends,

if anyone knows anyone in toronto who may be interested in seeing a production of Easter by august strindberg put on by my brother-in-law, please follow the link for details about the show as well as an indiegogo fundraising campaign

* poster designed by Beata Rasitsan

...and so begins the season of incessant rain

i love how in the short amount of time since we started this, the birthday treat sign-up sheet has gone from specifics (lemon loaf, lavender brownies, vanilla cupcakes) to abstractions (something baked, redemption for last time, cookies)

let 2014 be remembered as the year of cancer. the year of layoffs. the year i saw senior colleagues weep at losing those they've worked with for 20 years. the year i saw emma decimated by illness. the year i was truly ashamed to call myself russian. the year i strained my throat trying not to cry in front of friends facing the last session of chemotherapy. the year i seriously considered what would happen to my loved ones if i were to get sick.

the year i decided i would never let them see it.
the year OUP Canada was "reorganized".

but also:

the year i finally got over my fear of driving. the year of your magical jes-clap, which will go down in history among f's cutest things of all time. the year we go to copenhagen.

more will happen. we will see.

my mother was shocked to discover that i do not support russia's actions in crimea. she has now sent me several articles to read

... i think we're each quite disturbed by the other's position; the news exchange may go on for some time

سال نو مبارک

عزیزان من

wishing you all a warm and lovely year

друзья, мы с вами

as we slept, putin gave a press conference, quietly, confidently, divided a nation, and demonstrated that most russian of all characteristics: arrogance. we worry about the minorities, about impending violence, about what this all means for the new ukrainian government...

as i wrote this, shots were fired at a military base--someone was killed, another injured; a young tatar was found murdered; sanctions were imposed; the rhetoric escalated..

and because i feel a strong personal involvement in all this, the knot in my stomach tightens and tightens

... tired of seeing Putin's stupid, self-satisfied face everywhere; can't he crawl back into whatever ignorant, obnoxious, maniacal hole he crawled out of?

the first day of spring is next week

the view outside our home yesterday

...i'm not sure canada knows that

حرف میشم میرم تو گوشات

there is a whole night life in this city i've been completely blind to--people coming out at 11pm in fur coats, guitars, and glitzy hats (not necessarily in combination); raccoons running across the street, dodging cars; people walking their dogs; walking their children (???); running... god knows where; people standing in the middle of empty streets, texting; people clubbing; people closing up shop; homeless people, everywhere (some selling pants, i think); people who i'm quite sure are drug dealers; smokers; lovers; friends; people in sad, sad homes with the most depressing curtains

... and some people, coming home from a fundraiser with a bag of baked goods and a jar of jam; some people who can't understand why on earth everyone is streaming out of their homes into the noise

i told my parents that i spoke with emma--that she was ok, all things considered...

i didn't tell them how traumatic it was to hear her sounding so weak and how, for a moment, i couldn't stop the tears