On the 19th day of the Russian invasion of Ukraine, I do not believe. I do not, I cannot believe. In the reality of all this. Just.. in anything. In anything. And yet I find myself, as I often do during moments of great distress, returning to Hebrew school worship--Iessons in faith, in humility before God, long since abandoned but ever simmering at the edge of crisis. Perhaps it was the comfort of repetition; perhaps the strength of what, in childhood, felt like a great wisdom--a precipice beyond which all was clear, all was visible.

Every night I cover my eyes. Pray for peace.

shema yisrael

adonai eloheynu

adonai echad

Hear me, oh Israel. Our Lord is one. 

For a while now, I don't understand the world I fall asleep in... the world I'm waking up to

It was a casual moment in the kitchen, during "Dance Me to the End of Love", when my throat closed up and I felt deeply, deeply--for the first time since Cohen's passing--a profound wave of grief. 

I wept, briefly, unexpectedly, a towel in my hands, a flurry of activity around me..

The time the lights went out

I think it's clear now that northeastern Ontario / Quebec simply has it in for us. Everyone remember the story of Quebec?

Well.

We rented a beautiful cottage in Frontenac. On the lake, we said. In the sunshine, we said. Early December. 

What can happen.

Well...

We had a lovely drive, despite leaving late, despite taking the longer / scenic route (against my wishes), despite getting on the highway (on my request--"let's not get there in the dark"), despite promptly getting off the highway after being met with absolutely torrential rain (again on my request--"Jesus Christ, let's just get there alive"), and finally, despite getting there in the dark (see above). 

We opened the doors to a gorgeous, roomy, and--most importantly--impeccably clean cottage. We turned on all the lights. We unpacked all the food. We turned on the oven. 

Some of us used the bathroom.

Forty minutes later, all the lights went out.

In a moment of panic, the city girl that I am wondered whether we had caused a power surge by "turning everything on" until the electrical panel proved otherwise and until the cottage owner suggested (via text) that strong winds had likely caused a power outage in the area.

Hmm.. ok, well, we can do this. Right?

We continued cooking on the--thankfully--gas stove. We lit all the candles we could find. Aha, I brought the "good" flashlight exactly for this reason.

Then, whatever water pressure we had accumulated in our 40 minutes of power gave out.

Then my flashlight gave out.

Then it got... pretty cold.

Then it got... really cold.

The final insult came when we lost cell reception at exactly the moment we were supposed to receive the code to unlock the wood-burning stove--incidentally, also at the moment we discovered that those of us who were supposed to arrive tomorrow did not have the address (how?? why?? how??).

Thereafter followed some couch huddling in the pitch black of a rural 6:30pm and a frantic couple of hours where, during every little blip of reception, a gazillion messages were sent:

- This is the address!

- Don't leave home until we call you!

- We don't have running water! 

- Just don't leave home! We'll explain later!

However: We did have a pleasant, candlelit dinner. We told stories. We laughed. One of us had an excellent construction flashlight that did not give out. The rest of us managed to use the bathroom by filling the remaining tanks with our drinking water. Most importantly, with the help of our winter coats and many, many warm blankets, we survived a frigid night and morning. 

We woke, as we did during our last escapade, to a stunning, pristine view. 

And, again, we had a beautiful drive back home. 

I've learned, over the past few weeks, that I am not the person I think I am. In great distress, I simply disintegrate. I disintegrate so quickly, so thoroughly, that what's left is a shadow of the person who came before--a delusional shadow fading into an already dark wood, listening for ghosts.

The shadow thinks up all sorts of nonsense.

"This happened because we relaxed. Because we stopped thinking, worrying, fretting. Because we were calmer. Because we had a nice moment. Because we laughed."

Then: "This is because the mirror broke."

Then: "This is because I said that thing out loud."

I don't know anything anymore. I pray in a language I've forgotten. I pray in whatever fractions I can recall--three words here, five words there. I wait. I pray again. 

I believe.

f's phrases of the dozen years

Upon noting my curls, peeking out from under the blanket wrapped Russian-style around my head: You're a sheep in a babushka scarf.

...

Upon noting my excessive attention: I should be able to move without alerting you.

...

Recently, upon passing an odd (religious) statue: Oh look, some old man kidnapped a baby Jesus.

...

Upon being simply cute: My sus-pigeons are heightened.

...

Upon passing the Toronto Fire and EMS Training Centre, from which one, and then two bag-pipers suddenly emerged, bags a-piping: Oh, ok, at least he [the first] is not a lunatic.

...

And, best of all, several weeks later: Did I think it was more or less idiotic that a second bag-piper had emerged?

...

With all my love, to our many more years of "f's phrases" and jollity <3

Two nights ago, I dreamt that I was living in what appeared to be Stalin-era Russia, judging by the level of fear in the air. I was an "unwanted entity" from New York, and it wasn't my poor Russian that would give me away--it was my black plastic fork (anachronism? parachronism?), which had caught the attention of a passerby.

There was someone who could help me. I didn't know his name, and I didn't know why; he appeared out of nowhere. He was dressed in army fatigues and sat in a small office negotiating my travel with a low-level official. At some relevant moment, I was supposed to present a stack of falsified papers, and I stood shaking in the doorway, waiting for that moment.

The next scene is a blur. A large man ran by in the hallway behind me; there was shouting, and I understood, in the chaos, that he had found a way out. I had the chance to latch on to him, and... I did. I dropped the papers, bewildered by my own decision. My eyes watered, prayed, begged forgiveness for what I was about to do. The man's mouth was immobile, but his eyes widened in shock as I turned to grab hold of what felt more like a passing vehicle than a human.

Later, I wept when I learned that this man died of fever during his own escape.

I wept for what felt like the remainder of my life.

-----------

I should explain the context for this insanity, but I don't have the energy to write. The world is embroiled in a pandemic, and our dreams have unleashed a plague upon our lives.

There is a scene in The House of Sand and Fog where, in the ER waiting room, Ben Kingsley falls to his knees in prayer for the first time in years. It comes to me often, this fleeting image of the unimaginable--what would cause me to remember every prayer of my childhood, to kneel, to plead...

שְׁמַע יִשְׂרָאֵל, יְהֹוָה אֱלהֵינוּ, יְהֹוָה אֶחָד

During that longest night, our friends and loved ones--awake, frantic, terrified of retaliation--passed through one dreadful tunnel and emerged in the eternal sea of grief.

בָּרוּךְ, שֵׁם כְּבוד מַלְכוּתו, לְעולָם וָעֶד

How do we speak of the unspeakable.

וְאָהַבְתָּ אֵת יְהֹוָה אֱלהֶיךָ
 בְּכָל לְבָבְךָ וּבְכָל נַפְשְׁךָ וּבְכָל מְאדֶךָ

We do not speak. 

We cover our eyes. We pray in silence. We find each other. 

We offer our hands in the darkness. 

یادتون گرامی

May your memories be an everlasting blessing upon us.

I saw a photo that I can't

un-see

f's phrase of the year:

You English-speaking people and your.... context

since when the freaking hell does it snow like this in november

3-hour deadline to submit to a poetry contest.... 1.5 hours spent writing a 5-line cover letter/bio
.
.
.
yeah

well, that's it. the phrase that entered my head today was یه‌ کمی поправилась.

sometimes writing is staring at your feet.

f's phrase of the Scotland

You're a sheep in a babushka scarf

Fàilte gu Alba

It was in a zombie-like state that we landed in Edinburgh on account of little-to-no sleep (the usual conditions of flight), teenager-induced fury (can you be fined for leaving your light on, shuffling a deck of cards on a darkened airplane), and Air Canada Rouge (no more need be said).

Still, we were excited (and, in my case, relieved to have avoided murder-by-card-shuffle).

As we made our way down to customs, a nice, Canadian-sounding couple held the door of the "lift" open for us--the door which, when closed, caused every light in the elevator to turn off. And so, following a lively "we should be having popcorn", we all descended to passport control in the dark.

In the daze of the next few hours we roamed around a beautifully green metropolis and rows and rows of elegant Georgian townhouses, where my tendency to gaze into people's homes was intensified by the--it's not my fault--open doorways (in the middle of the city!), short curtains, drawn-back curtains, and what appeared to be wealth coupled with the occasional kitsch.

By the time we settled in Dishoom to have (an incredible) lunch we were completely exhausted by the un-Torontonian incline of a city where a pleasant downward tilt was inevitably coupled with a laborious ascent--god-willing on an empty stomach. Still, I had a good mental laugh when, forgetting that I was in English-speaking country, I couldn't decide between Persian and French, and then, remembering, between "bathroom" and "washroom" (realizing my mistake, of course, when faced with the simple UK "toilet").

After another lovely day in Edinburgh we joined a tour of the Highlands, during which we learned that Germans/Austrians are consistently the loveliest, friendliest fellow travellers; that being from Canada was akin to being from Mars, so rare were we among the throngs of American and European tourists; that New Zealanders drink Pepsi, it seems, by the gallon; and that extended bus rides put me to sleep like nothing else on earth--that is, I spent so much of our drive in an induced coma that Farzaneh eventually took to asking, "were you awake when our guide said..." (Another common refrain was, "don't mind her, she's Russian", when I was lost to the raspberry bushes; fellow Russians, take note!).

Yvonne, lest I forget to sing her graces, was marvelous. A "wee lass" about my size, about my age, narrated without pause while driving like the devil through twisting, winding, bumpy Highland roads--meaning so safely and confidently that even I, whose terrified North American brain translated every car in the neighbouring lane as "JESUS, oncoming traffic", was lulled to sleep (see above). Yvonne, who spent her spare moments in the greenery disposing of roadside litter, was the perfect representation of every Scot we met along the way: charming, mellow, lovely, all warmth and hospitality. We had not been so smiled-at or so sincerely greeted since Halifax (which, of course, makes perfect sense now).

Truly, this was a place to leave your heart. We often found ourselves exclaiming, "people live here!" because who could live in this fairy tale of fog and thundering silence. Who could live on the Skye of To the Lighthouse, in the shadow of those blue-green rolling hills, seemingly without end...

I should mention, also, that up until the very last day, we saw everything from storks to sheep to crows to sheep to seals and even a gorgeous deer emerging from a distant Highland forest. But we did not see what I later dubbed "the elusive Scottish bunny" until the airport hotel (roaming), until the airplane (in a real bunny hop-run). So perhaps they only appear when one is airborne--or close to it.

But let's attribute that to the magic of this land.

Beware, you will be charmed to death.

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For photos, click here

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over to poetry for a new one, soon to be removed

tonight's (totally spontaneous) YouTube reel

Unbreak my Heart
Spanish Caravan
Severed Garden
The Winner Takes It All [weeping--me]
Tango, Scent of a Woman
White Rabbit
The Show Must Go On
November Rain
Bitter Sweet Symphony
White Flag
A Whiter Shade of Pale [live in Denmark]
Life for Rent
Here with Me [memories--you]
Torn [still good]
To the Moon & Back [still very good]
Come Undone
Desert Rose
The Blue Cafe
Goodnight Moon
Windmills of Your Mind [Dusty]
Simply Falling
Temple of the King
My Love [Kovacs--whoa]
Can't Get You Out of My Head
In My Secret Life
Thank You, Dido

my reaction to seeing a rubber band on the floor at work: "oh no, better pick that up, my cat will eat that"

the Crabtree & Evelyn brand is known, in our home, as any one of the following:

Evelyn & Crabtree
Crabtree & Murdoch
Hansel & Gretel

........and, my personal favourite:

Simon & Garfunkel